20perfectdays

Life after NICU and losing my baby girl

Not Compatible With Life

on 12/11/2011

So Adam and I were talking on the way home from the Bloom Family Christmas Bake, talking about the things we’ve found on Bailey’s headstone, the amazing people in our lives, and a gift that touched me deep down. We were talking and I had just read the poem that came with that touching gift and while wiping away the tears, I mentioned to Adam something he already knew.

“I’d do ANYTHING to have Bailey back”

I don’t need to mention it to him. He knows. He feels the same. It made us both think back to those days. Spending every waking minute in the hospital, waiting for any news one way or the other. Praying. We also talked about how great it was that we were able to baptise her and give her her last rites. Adam also mentioned something that bugged him from the first moment he heard it, and it still makes him furious.

“Not compatible with life”

Here’s where I’m going to lay it all out. We had started hearing this statement as a possibility about a week or so before her diagnosis was in. The first time I heard it, I glazed over it. My brain shut down. I couldn’t wrap my mind around the chance that I would have to say goodbye to this little girl who had changed so much about my life and my whole world. Dr George said it many times to me, but I would just nod my head. I just couldn’t get my brain to absorb it. I can’t speak for Adam, but he told me that it made him so upset because he felt it was the dr sugar coating it. That basically, the dr didn’t think she was going to make it. The words hurt me because they cut so deep, they had been spoken so many times, and I just couldn’t get it through that something was VERY wrong with our situation. It still hurts so much because its also like the drs were saying “She’s too flawed for Earth”. No, they didn’t SAY that, but that’s how it boils down in my eyes. And I know that’s not true. Her body was flawed, her spirit was too much for Earth to handle.

This holiday season is going to suck. Badly. This time last year, we had just announced we were pregnant, had confirmed that baby was there and things were looking good, baby was due around our anniversary, we had something amazing to look forward to, and my family was being built. Endless possibilities, hopes, and dreams come with a new baby. I was excited, knowing this was our last holiday season as a family of 3, we were expanding. Well, that’s what was SUPPOSED to happen. We all know that isn’t how it all boiled down. All my hopes, dreams, fears, everything went up in smoke when her diagnosis came in. Every birthday, holiday, firsts, everything. Gone. No first words, steps, teeth, days of school, dates, wedding, kids… Nothing. That entire branch in our family tree died. Nothing can grow there. Nothing can come of it. OUCH.

I still never imagined that I would be in this position. I should be exhausted taking care of 2 kids with endless energy, struggling to get through the day to day without naps like crazy. I should be thinking about what foods to try with her next, encouraging her to start new milestones, and trying my best to keep up with Anthony. Instead, I’m constantly wanting to go out to her headstone to see what is new, keep her company, and just talk to her. Yes, I know its her body that lies there, not her spirit. But I gave birth to that body. My body nourished that body. I was the first to hold that body. That body encased the most delicate, beautiful spirit I could know. That broken, flawed body is the whole reason we changed our plans on where to deliver, sought extra medical care, and in the end, got 19 additional days with her. Had we delivered in Little Falls, she would have died that first day. She fought against that body. She fought to survive. She fought through those last few days to give us time to figure out what was wrong and let her go, peacefully, without pain or struggle. I’m starting to have bad dreams again. I don’t know if its because of dread of the pending holidays, thinking about what could have been, or maybe just thinking back to what I’ve lost. Either way, I’m exhausted because Anthony hasn’t been sleeping well at all (waking up from 3-6 am nightly, staying awake the whole time) and the dreams. I could try to go to sleep earlier, but that would mean more time for dreams, and I just don’t want that. I’m hoping that by putting it out there, that its cleared from my mind.

I’m not going to stay up any longer. Anthony has came out of his room once so far, which means its time to try and get things ready for bed in case it turns into a long night. Pray that this night breaks the pattern and he sleeps until at least 7 or 8!

Bailey, I send all my hugs, kisses, and love to you up there. We miss you so much and can’t wait to see you again when that time comes. Until then, keep dancing, smiling, and carrying on.


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