Life after NICU and losing my baby girl

Christmas 2011

on 12/26/2011

WOW what a waste. I already knew that Christmas was going to suck, but I didn’t know that at the end of the day, I’d be wishing I could go back to Little Falls and lay next to my baby girl for the night. I seriously can’t believe the hell that I have to go through anymore. But, let me back up first.

So I worked on Friday (went pretty well), came home, and then we went down to my in laws for the weekend for Christmas time. All went fine and dandy if you ask me. A few more…interesting…moments, but who doesn’t have that? It reminds you that you are with family and while we don’t always get along, we are a team, up against the things that try to tear us apart. Anthony made out like a bandit, I got to embarass someone (Love ya, Kayla!), and we all had fun in the end.

We stopped by to say Merry Christmas to Bailey and then head home. While waiting for a photo to post (which I need to try again, stupid phone) I check my facebook. Imagine how badly it hurt me to see someone not have the respect for me to understand that IN MY POST WISHING MERRY F***ING CHRISTMAS to EVERYONE and that I MISS MY BABY GIRL, someone decides to bring up that I haven’t sent out Christmas cards. Nevermind that I haven’t sent one out in YEARS, evidently I’m supposed to not only send them out, but screw the photo I was working so hard to get of my family to PUT IN THE DAMN CARDS. This is the same person who thought that they deserved a personal call and update during the whole pregnancy, the whole time I was in the NICU caring for my daughter and trying to be a mom to my son, AND WHILE MAKING ARRANGEMENTS FOR MY DAUGHTER’S F.U.N.E.R.A.L!!!!!! Not her coming home party, her WAKE and FUNERAL. Not for her to be released from the hospital, ready to come meet the family, HER WAKE AND FUNERAL. Nevermind that I had set up a blog and made it totally public for people to read up on what was going on with the pregnancy and beyond. Nevermind that I had a website set up for updates and did my damnedest to update it often (around being in the most stressful situation of my life, struggling to even remember to eat, sleep, and pump), AND facebook updates. Nevermind any of that, and screw that I had tried to set up a phone call network for anyone who fell through the cracks. Am I really supposed to be responsible for idiots not understanding that I don’t have time to call each and every person, give them the full update, minute by minute, when I could barely find enough signal in the family lounge to call the dr that delivered my baby and BEG for pain meds!!! SERIOUSLY! Over a damn CHRISTMAS CARD!!!

If your life really revolves around something so questionable and so small that you don’t even give a damn that the person you are harassing about a damn card is going through an EXTREMELY hard time. Imagine this. You lost your child just days after giving birth. a difficult pregnancy in which you were told that your baby will have to undergo serious surgery (open heart surgery), but baby will be ok. Baby will be able to come home and live a long, happy life and then after you go through all that and get your hopes up that things will actually work out, only to have your whole world go upside down, your worst nightmare becomes your reality, and you watch your newborn baby struggle every day to get better, open her lungs, and beat a disease that had her days numbered from the start. Now, also add in there someone constantly pestering you for personal updates and basically refusing to pull their head from their own hind end and realize there are more people in the world than themselves. Imagine you are going through one of the biggest family holidays (and until now, I was able to write this without crying) and your family is broken. Your baby is BURIED at the EDGE OF TOWN, FORTY MINUTES from where you lay your head at night. You have to start going through the times you never imagined you wouldn’t have your baby. She’d be eating solids, rolling around, maybe sitting up on her own, and maybe even scooting. She’d be getting teeth, have long, beautiful red hair, be a spitfire, and she’d be having a blast. Instead, she’s in Heaven, enjoying a Christmas we can’t even imagine, and I’m here on Earth, trying to take care of my family, missing the parts that were taken away from me WAY too soon. Now how important is that damn Christmas card? You really going to hassle me about something so trivial on facebook? Luckily, I have people to watch my back. Now to cut the cancerous people out of my life. I’m not kidding either. I’m DONE.

I’ve had enough hell come through and ravage my life. I don’t need people who SAY that they love me and care about me and my family taking time to cut me and my family down even more. Making me wonder why I even bother. Well, I’m done bothering. Its time to cut that crap out. I don’t need people trying to make me feel worse about my situation. Especially when they don’t even have a CLUE what I’m dealing with.

Bailey, Baby girl, I miss you so much. Today was the hardest holiday yet. You should have been there. You should have been sitting there, surrounded by wrapping paper. You should have been playing with toys and enjoying your first Christmas. I just wish I could have that time with you back and get to hold you again. I know each and every day I’m here is one less day I have to wait. I hope you and your sibling who was miscarried are having fun up there with Jesus and the other amazing souls up there. I can’t even begin to imagine the celebration up there! I wish I could, but I know its one of the best ways to celebrate. We’ll be going to take down your tree after Papa gets off of work, but don’t think that its because of anything you did. We don’t want people to steal your tree and take or destroy any of your amazing momentos that have been left there.

Did you see that stepping stone that Cousin Holly and Cousin Jocelyn made for you and put out there with the butterfly? They did such a good job, it looks AMAZING. I think we’ll try to leave it out there for a while.

Sweetest baby girl, please know that we love you, we miss you, and wish we could hold you again. But you keep having fun up there and we’ll be along when our time comes and then, when we are together again, it will be the sweetest celebration. All the love a mother can give!



P.S. Anyone wants to tell me I shouldn’t advertise this in public, just remember, I could be naming names, pointing fingers, and really laying into someone in public. Be thankful I haven’t taken what will be the private conversation and put that out there. Bottom line? THINK before you post about something so trivial. You think I care about sending out my Christmas cards on time? You should be glad I even thought about sending you one. Count your lucky stars if I don’t send one to you…in pieces. And thanks for the lovely idea of giving stickers to my toddler. I love finding them all over the house, where the shouldn’t be. I’ll remember that.


One response to “Christmas 2011

  1. Cindy Shogren says:

    Some people just don’t get it that the world doesn’t revolve around just them. From one Mom to another I can’t imagine what you are going through. I’ve been thinking of you lots this Christmas. All I can say in hang in there. You are doing a good job trying to deal with your loss. Don’t people realize that every milestone is going to be so hard for you and Adam, not just now but years to come. Sorry you probably didn’t need to be reminded of that. Take care and may God Bless and keep all of you.

    with deepest regrets for your loss
    Cindy Shogren

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