Life after NICU and losing my baby girl

Nine months, “Bye Bye, Bailey”, and Easter

on 04/17/2012

So Adam and I thought it would be a great idea to decorate Bailey’s stone for Easter. Bunny ears, a bigger flower pinwheel, and a few smaller pinwheels. It looked so special, I had to take photos. Well, the first one turned out…different. There were a bunch of sunlight rays beaming down that make the picture look really out of focus, but there’s something about that photo. Its like there is a very obvious presence there. I just love it.

Well, we prayed that the stuff would stay, but knowing that we had some crazy winds coming, we weren’t expecting it would all be there. And it all lasted quite a while considering how strong the winds are (being on the bottom of the hill, the wind seems at least just as strong as the top of the hill), until we decided to go out there after Easter dinner on Easter. We stopped at Grandpa Flo’s house to drop off the Easter bunny photos we had gotten done and visit for a little while. We found out that they had put out another pinwheel almost exactly like the one we put out (little known fact, I was going back and forth between the two styles, but liked the one that we picked out more. Honestly, I wanted both!) and her ears were still there. We decided after the meal we would go and pull the ears off, change out the headband, make any necessary changes, say our words, and be on our way.

Easter was a lot of fun. Anthony LOVED getting to play with his cousins (there was LOTS of running around, playing with a football and balloons, and candy going around!) and ate quite well. He liked the fruit and the ham, but couldn’t wait for the candy! He had such fun looking for eggs. Once he figured out a system of finding the egg, popping it open, putting the candy in his basket and giving the egg part to Adam, he started going like it was a sport. Looking everywhere, running around, everything. It was way too precious. I felt so bad when it was all over and time to head back inside to get ready to leave. Anthony was bawling and fighting, he wasn’t done yet!

When we went out to the cemetery, we found the bunny ears weren’t on the headband anymore. Luckily, they were laying in front of the stone. But the big pinwheels didn’t make it. We found only one petal left on one of them, a petal from the other a few rows up the hill all torn up, and a few of her flowers had blown around. Crazy wind! We cleaned up what we could find and changed out the headband for one that is more dainty and a good change. Adam says he likes it more because its more of something she would have gotten to wear (the band is thinner and much stretchier). We brought the ears home for safe keeping. The idea was that they would come home about then anyway. As we were driving away (we had to drive to the back of the cemetery to get back to the entrance because there was glass blocking the one exit), Anthony did something he’s NEVER done before. He started saying “Bye Bye, Bailey!”. Before anyone gets the idea, we hadn’t said our goodbyes in the car, hadn’t told him to say anything, none of it. He did that all on his own. Adam and I gave each other the “What did he say?!?” look and the car got very quiet. One of us (don’t remember who) said “That’s right, bye bye, Bailey” to assure him that he didn’t do anything wrong, its great that he did that all on his own. There were tears shed on the way home. I get chills just thinking back to it.

I noticed on Friday what day it was. No, not just Friday the 13th (actually usually a good day for me!), but the 13th. Another month older. Time to go through the motions again. Start remembering day by day what happened during her short 3 weeks here. I know that many people would say that I’m dwelling in the past and not moving on, but you have to remember, those 3 weeks were all the time I got to see her beautiful face, smell her hospital smell, kiss her face and hands, and watch her fight with everything she had. Its like reliving your child’s life every year when they are born or reflecting on a certain event in their life. You have to remember that her life was short, its all I got. It was an ok day, but that is, until a customer that I have had serious chats with (we talked A LOT before Bailey was born and she was so excited for us) had the chance to give her condolences. Yea, its been over 8 months since she passed, but sometimes it takes a while for people to figure out what to say or for them to feel its “safe” to bring it up. I commend her for doing it. I got to show her photos and talk about her story a bit and as I choked back the tears (Bailey always causes strong emotions!), I was able to open up to someone in a way that I don’t get to do often with people who aren’t family. The rest of the day was pretty blah. One of those that you just want to go home and put on your pjs. I can only imagine what a mess I’m going to be on her birthday and angelversary.

Things are going great with the whole house thing. We’ve found a house we LOVE LOVE LOVE, offer is in, accepted, inspection done and that went great, bank did their part and that came back good (we think, anyway) and now we have to wait some more. Not on people, but on time. We don’t close until May 7th. I can’t wait to get in there and start settling in. Its going to be great to have our HOME put together and be able to have people over without worrying about parking, idiots being disrespectful, angry dogs, and where everyone is going to sit. Plus a yard. Yes, that means mowing, but it also means that we can put Anthony outside for stretches of time and all of us can play outside without worry of vehicles, stupid people, and having to cross a parking lot to get to grass. Plus none of the construction they’ve started on this road will effect us in our daily lives. Its such a mess out there, I can’t wait to be out of it!

In more great news, since Adam and I have been working out, we’ve both hit some great milestones. Adam has bulked back up to where size large shirts all but refuse to cover his biceps, his waist is smaller (he’s fitting into some pairs of pants he hasn’t worn in a while!), and he’s down about 15 lbs. I’m so proud! As for myself, I’m proud to announce that I no longer have to wear stretchy pants, I am fitting into jeans I haven’t worn since before I was pregnant with Anthony, I’m down about 16 lbs, and can finally say with confidence that my arms are much stronger than they’ve ever been. I just wish I had more jeans that fit, but being between sizes, I’m going to hold off a little longer before going crazy with a new wardrobe. I told Adam I’m holding off for another 10 lbs before I go that crazy. I’m quite proud of us!

My motivation is just being sick and tired of being sick, tired, and fat. I’m tired of not having much I can wear, having a huge belly that isn’t attributed to anything besides two babies (no current ones). But that doesn’t hold a candle to Adam’s motivation.

Adam is doing the Tough Mudder Challenge this May. Its quite the undertaking. 12 miles of running and obstacles, many many people doing it, and its all for a great cause. The main charity that profits is Wounded Warrior Project. They also allow you to raise money for a charity or cause of your own. Of course, Adam is trying to raise money for ACD research. If you find you want to help out, contact Adam or you can always donate money to NORD in the ACD fund. Ask Adam for more details as I can’t find the website that he has set up. Pray that Adam and Morgan (the kids’ godfather) is going to be going through this challenge with Adam. I opted out because I dunno about doing that JUST yet. Maybe next time.

Well, its pretty late here and we have a lot going on this week (just like all weeks anymore, man it sucks!) and its time for some major shut eye while I can get it before moving. Hope you enjoyed the latest going on in our lives!


One response to “Nine months, “Bye Bye, Bailey”, and Easter

  1. Angie Schmitz says:

    I have been following your story from the beginning. I went to school with Josh and MaryAnne in little falls. I would like to do a Scentsy fundraiser for ACD research, but will not without your permission as I would like the donation to be in Bailey’s name. I would like to talk with you more, if you would like to e mail me at angelynschmitz@gmail.com

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