20perfectdays

Life after NICU and losing my baby girl

Oh how my heart hurts…

on 07/08/2012

This past week has been so hard to get through and I feel the only way I can really be truely honest is posting here (which even here gets attacked and I’m told that I need to shut up). I’ve been trying to keep my head high and not burden others with my thoughts and that hasn’t gotten me anywhere. I’ve tried calling on people to help me (they did say “If you ever need something, let me know”) and had them turn their backs on me. I guess their word had a hidden expiration date. I’ve even had people cutting me down in such a way that it should be criminal. I can barely hold myself together anymore, but I still have more people piling it on. Where does it end, people? Try having a shred of compassion and take your cutting words (that you know are only meant to cut others down and hurt them to the core) and shove them up that lovely little thing you plop down in your chair. I’m done dealing with people like that. People tell me to stand up for myself, but when I do, they don’t like what I say. So then I go with the more subdued and don’t voice myself nearly so much and I’m told that I need to stop playing wallflower. Damned if you do, damned if you don’t.

I’ve had to cut ties with quite a few lately. It really hurts that I’ve been pushed to this. I don’t know why, but ever since I buried my daughter, I’ve been hurt more than people could ever imagine by some people who are supposed to be there and help me through. I was abandoned during some very dark times when all I needed was someone to show me the light at the end of the tunnel. Thank God there were SOME people who were there. Thank God not everyone went running for the hills.

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