Life after NICU and losing my baby girl

“You’ll understand one day…”

on 10/18/2012

So a lot of things have happened since the last time I’ve been on here. Bailey’s birthday went pretty smoothly with a beautiful cake, she got so many nice presents, and it rained, but it was the kind of rain that was comforting. Hard to understand to many, but we got it. It was a pretty gentle day. The angelversary (one year since she passed) was another tough day, but it also went fairly smoothly. The dollar store was out of helium, so that put a pin in my plans with that. From what I understand still, they are still out. I don’t get it, but no use in flipping about it.

Since then, we’ve had a few more changes. I’ve had many people walk out of my life (for stupid, trivial reasons, but if you don’t want to be in my life, I’m not going to try and keep you around. Just don’t think that you can keep coming back when it works for you) and I’ve had people walk back into my life who actually have added to it again. Especially now that they are on the same page as me, we don’t get into it anymore. Thank God.

We’ve also found out we are pregnant and due April 28, 2013. Very excited. Our first appointments have gone well with full results coming in about a week. We are going to be going through some genetic testing to see if we can catch anything early again, so pray those come back normal this time. My morning sickness has mostly passed (I’ve had a short stretch of days where I feel like garbage, but for the most part, I’m feeling good again) and I’m starting to get the telltale belly. Although I had lost nearly 25# before getting pregnant, the extra skin didn’t go down at all, so its disguising the belly so far. I’m excited for the time when people will be able to tell I’m pregnant, not just fat.

Anthony is growing like a weed. He’s almost entirely out of 2t stuff and even a few 3t things seem a little short. He’s also nearly fully potty trained (going #2 is still proving to not happen and while he’s sleeping its unpredictable), but he loves wearing undies over pull ups or slip ons. I won’t complain. Its saving money on diapers and the likes. One day he’ll get there fully. I’m just thankful I don’t have to worry about wet diapers. He’s also getting his 2 year molars (a month before he turns 3, but he’s always been late with teeth) and that is making him near impossible to tolerate for a full week. He’s whiny and doesn’t like to listen and it drives me CRAZY.

Which brings me to the whole reason for this post. Seems lately the topic people keep shoving in my face is that apparently I’m never thankful for my blessings. That I basically wish I didn’t have kids and think my life would be better without them. Seems that I have to sing Anthony’s praises daily to get to vent just once. I’ve never said my life would be better without my kids. Easier? Without a doubt. But not better. I’d be lonely and empty. Sure, things are expensive with kids (clothes, toys, books, food, etc), but that doesn’t mean for a second that I would trade him for all the money out there. If you seem to think I’m not grateful, maybe its you that needs to look closer and remember one thing. Its the people we love the most that drive us the craziest. Anthony is able to drive me to that place when I just want to run away because I love him so much. Same with everything surrounding Bailey. Same with this baby. But it seems that all my love and devotion to my family is overshadowed by the times that I really need to vent. I can’t keep calling those very, very few people and venting to them. They don’t want to hear it every time. And I’m looking for others who are going through the same thing as me and can give a bit of advice along with an ear to listen. Venting doesn’t mean I hate my children. Venting means that I’ve hit my limit and I’m trying hard to hold onto some resolve. That my child is testing limits and I need a break. Heaven forbid I get one here and there (which I do, I won’t say that I never get a break), but sometimes the break doesn’t come when I feel I need it most. It happens. Where am I supposed to turn?

I really don’t like crying in front of Anthony. It upsets him. A LOT. There is only so much you can do to keep from snapping or shattering into a million pieces. I’ve tried a lot of it. Its really isolating when people tell me that I’m not thankful or that I need to just suck it up and move on. It really hurts, especially when it comes from those without kids. I really don’t want to throw that into anyone’s face. You have to realize at the same time, a parent ALWAYS loves their children. That doesn’t mean we have to like them always. It means that our child has a spirit all their own and we (being humans) need someone to listen to us melt down once in a while. I love my kids and wouldn’t trade them or sell them. EVER. Do I hit my limit? HELL YES!! Every.Damn.Day. Do I try to hold it in and direct it into better directions or am able to let it go? Of course! But have you ever taken it into consideration that MAYBE, Just MAYBE, I’m having an extra hard day and just can’t see the light at the end of the tunnel? That I just need someone to tell me that it does get better, this is just a bump in the road? That I don’t need someone telling me to be thankful for every tantrum? That you are actually making me feel EVEN WORSE by critisizing me? I already feel like a bad enough mom for when I lose my temper and take it out on him and it makes me feel like garbage that it makes Anthony cry and run away from me. I really don’t need someone else coming along and rubbing my face in it any more. Just like I shouldn’t rub my blessings in other’s faces and brag about it.

Trust me, I love my kids. From the miscarriage to Anthony, to Bailey, to this pregnancy and any others we are blessed with. It would kill me to lose any of them. It just about did to lose Bailey. But Anthony helped carry me through that time. And even when I’m away from Anthony (even when he’s getting me the most wound up), I still miss him like crazy. That being said, I don’t always LIKE my kids. I don’t like when Anthony won’t listen, screams at me, hits me, bounces on my belly, kicks me in the face while we are playing, throws things, and doesn’t give me any space. I still love him, but I don’t like the kid he’s acting like.

But apparently that’s me not being thankful for even having kids.

So next time you see a mom at the end of her rope, stop and think first. She might be at such a point that she basically needs a hug and a little encouragement. Don’t tell her she isn’t thankful or that she should be careful of what she says or wishes for. I’m sure she feels shitty enough about not liking her kids, she doesn’t need someone else piling on and making the load even heavier.

Maybe this will help some understand a little better. Parents ARE THANKFUL. They don’t hate their kids (except those who beat the living shit out of their kids or you can clearly see they just don’t give a damn) and they feel bad enough when they don’t like their kids or their kid’s attitudes. You can Love someone endlessly and still not like them from time to time. And sometimes those times are longer than imagineable. Don’t cut them down or say something hurtful. Give them encouragement. I’m sure they would LOVE to have someone reach out and give them just a little love. Remember, that very well could be you VERY soon. And what goes around comes back around. Karma is REALLY good at keeping tabs on that.


2 responses to ““You’ll understand one day…”

  1. Cindy Shogren says:

    hey, I think you are coping the best way possible. I remember those days. I will always love my children but, sometimes I don’t like then very much. All of you have had a lot to deal with in the last 2 years. Like I have said before “some people just don’t get it” If you ever need someone to vent to just look me up. I would be glad to listen!!! congrats on the new baby and we will be praying for him or her along with you, Adam and Anthony. God Bless you all

  2. I really thought I was the only one who felt this way as a mom. I really did. This made me feel not so alone. thank you, megan. And God Bless you, for doing as good as you have.

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